Conan The Barbarian XXX Porn Paordy Review

This is gonna be a quick review. I discovered this last night just before going to bed and had to get a copy of it. Yes, Hustler made Conan the Barbarian into a porno movie. Whether this came to be due to them banking on last summers Conan being a hit, or just the fact that they've pretty much parodied everything else, I have no idea. I do think that while it feels like this movie is about 25 years too late, it is still alluring enough to get many a Conan fan interest I am sure. I think a vast majority of people have wanted to see Conan in action for that long, so does this movie deliver? hmmmm...

It's in 3D no less. WHY? XD

I really don't get porn producers. The focus should be on Conan, but how does the movie start? With a slave woman being thrown into Conans cell for him to mate with her. What does he do? He swings his sword around off camera and ignores her frantic masturbating. I guess Conan really is gay. This goes on for 15 whole frustratingly boring minuets. What a wasted opportunity to have Conan be turned on, jerking off in the corner watching. Then coming in and finally being so hot he sprays everywhere quickly, then fucks her good and hard after losing his first load. But no...he just comes over and puts an animal hide over her to keep her worm. BORING.

The main problem I have with this movie is beside it being a parody and not taking itself seriously, the cast is filled with just the same old male performers we've all seen a million times before. Conan is played by Lee Stone. Lee started acting back in 1999 and has since been in close to 2000 films. You would be hard pressed to rent a movie without him being in it. His side kick, Tommy Gunn has almost the same record behind his belt, but he started in 2004. So right away, most fans are going to know what they are getting between the legs with both men. We know that Tommy is cut and Lee is uncut, though he hardly has any foreskin to speak of. He could easily pass himself off as cut. Yawn...

Tommy Gunn and Lee Stone star.


Whoa! Conan is built like a box. @__@ Yikes...

Here he is, Lee Stone as naked Conan. His cock in the usual position, foreskin all the way back and made as invisible as possible, hanging long and loose. Lee's dick doesn't exactly stand to attention very well. He's got the big look, but does he have the charm?

Boy does he look dazed and confused. Hey Hustler, Conan doesn't have a giant tribal tattoo okay? Yesh..

He's big, I'll give him that.

Stop sucking and down I go. Someone get Conan some Viagra, huh? Not exactly the lustful barbarian lover of my fantasies.

Lee is not as shapely as I would have liked, but he does have bulk. I'll give him that.

Conan cums! His cock looks like a Pogo Corn Dog. :P

Later they meet up with this blond chick. For some reason Conan calls his dick a pussy while he gets sucked off by her. I haven't the patience to sit through this thing and figure out why. Oh and his Aronald accent is on again off again. He turns it off during the sex mostly. Terrible.

Here's a particularly badly shot scene. She's actually jerking Conan off, but you can't see it. If you look closely you can see a bit of his dick head poking up above the wrist. I should try to get a better shot of this, but I think this illustrates my point well. I had to watch the scene twice to even notice what was going on. The focus should always be CONAN!

That's not Jason Momoa's juicy ass, that is FOR SURE.

Conan cums mightily on the blond barbarian chick.

You actually get to see Lee Stones foreskin for half a second here.

Now you see it....

Now you don't!

Production shots always make porn actors look better then they are, or do they?....

Slightly sagging man tits, massive bulk and hunched over, Lee Stone has seen better days.

Tommy's one scene is okay, I guess.

I thought maybe Conan would swing on over and join in, but no. There's no threesomes, or barbarian orgies. They don't fight over woman, or anything. It's just one miss opportunity after another.

His hair and body show slight signs of age, but he looks great for someone in their late 40s.

I could do without the gaudy tattoos myself.

And now the horror of horrors, Sean Michales plays the role of Thulsa Doom. He looks the part but.....

He's just not sexy in it.

Looks Sean was a great performer when he was young. There are old scenes of his that I still jerk off to. But the fact of the matter is, he was in one of the first porno movies I ever saw and it was already old when I saw it 20 years ago! I mean, are there no other hot black men in the industry that can play this role? Come on....

I guess they saved some time and money on finding new actors so they could afford better special effects. Not if that CGI arrow is any indication they didn't. Her hand goes right through it. Why do I hear Mr. Burns saying "We did 21 takes and THAT was the best one?"

To illustrate my point about the two main cast members, he's some shots of them when they were younger:

Lee Stone as Tarzan, now that would have been HOT!

Tommy Gunn started late in his 30s, but still really looked great. I remember when he first appeared it was revealed he had an Asian grandparent. You can't find anything about that now.

I guess how much you enjoy this film will be based on how familiar you are with the actors and if you are more interested in seeing the chicks over the dudes. I for one was pretty disappointed. With the huge supply of bodybuilders on sites around the globe, I think they could have hired some new and exciting young actors to play the roles. They should have had more warriors and way more sex as well. All in all, since these porn parody movies are never that great, I wasn't expecting much. For what it is, like last years theatrical movie, it's passable. I myself think it's time for gay studios to start picking up the slack and produce some porn based on Conan and 300!

Sorry Tommy, just like your relationship with his arrow, this movie is not a hit.